Saturday, April 7, 2012

Spanking and Submission

is there any daddies out there that dont spank because either their lil was abused an the daddy refuses to hit in any way or the daddy was braught up being hit/spanked and doesnt believe in it?

This was a question in a Fet-Life group (where apparently a spell checker would be helpful).  The answers were interesting with my favorite being this:

I'm controlling by kindness and gentleness and never spank as punishment.  Sometime for fun and play, and there, only soft playful spanking.  I don't believe in punishment, and subs looking for pain are not for me.

So, my thought is this.  Why spanking?  It does seem (for me) to be the fastest way to feeling something (submission, centered, whatever), but is it only a shortcut?

Or is it really just about sex?  (Not that that's a bad thing, mind.)

I am actually confused about this in much of the reading I do - so many TTWD couples have spanking for control or punishment and even as a necessity for women to release hormones, which isn't totally crazy to me, but at the end of the day, no disrespect to anyone's dynamic intended, I sometimes walk away thinking, Come on people, this is turning one or both of you on!  Isn't it?

But maybe that is just because it turns me on.

In a related matter, MBS Brunch just posted on a very similar topic, so I will be looking at those answers with interest.

Special note to H, who reads this blog avidly, I am not suggesting any changes or any confusion about why we spank, I like what we do right now - this is just a general question on my mind.

Second special note to any Fetlife users out there, I think it would be more fun to have friends on there, and if you are there, can you let me know?  I can't really friend my Facebook buddies.  :)  And I actually find it to be a helpful resource from time to time - so many good discussions (amidst some craziness).

Update:  my fetlife account is kittythesubmiss, which I should have shared.

22 comments:

  1. We don't do spanking for discipline in any way. I was abused as a child and could not handle that. Besides I like spanking and don't want anything negative attached to it.

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    1. Oh faerie, I am sorry if I brought up negative connotations for you.

      Why do you like spanking? (And yes, I know that is a complicated question, I don't think I could say exactly why I like it in a month of posts, but maybe someone has an easier answer.)

      Kitty

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    2. No worries Kitty, you didn't bring up anything negative. What occurred during my childhood is something I accepted and learned how to deal with. I don't know if you are interested but I did write some posts about it back in November. The first one is titled My Secret and then the two that follow. The post My Secret is the most popular post I have ever done and continues to get multiple hits daily.

      As for why I like it, well...deep subject, I know, lol. Still working on that one :)

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    3. I will have to go check it out.

      Take all the time you need on why - not really a fair question. :)

      Kitty

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    4. PS - Maybe you will need to do LOTS AND LOTS of research into why. :)

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  2. This is a good question, and is one of the main things I don't really understand. Kallisto likes to be spanked for punishment, for discipline, for fun, to be submissive, just for maintenance, seemingly just for any reason. I can't really sort them all out in my mind. Sometimes sex follows, sometimes not. We try to do the punishment/discipline/maintenance whatever they are spankings in a different room then the "fun (erotic)" ones, and they are done differently. To me, spanking is spanking and it's hard to wrap my head around it. But I can say our relationship is 1000% stronger since we started regular spanking 4 or 5 years ago, so I'm going with the flow and enjoying it.

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    1. Yes! As I was posting my reply to faerie above, I realized I knew my answer. Why do I like spanking? I just do. And it works.

      The rest of it is really interesting to me to try and think about and work out, but maybe it is just one of the mysteries of the human condition.

      Kitty

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  3. Kitty

    Forgive mouse she's typing this on her phone. We used to use corporal measures to control mouse and give her that feeling of containment she craved. Omega can't go there anymore. It had to stop as he felt it could be dangerous to mouse to continue.

    We don't do pain, aside from nipple clamps during rituals. While it was upsetting and unsettling to mouse at first, he's actually become more controlling in other ways that give mouse that submissive rush. Recently mouse, while he was reading wouldn't shut up. He tied mouse up on the bed, shoved the penis gag into her mouth and the egg inside her. He positioned the chair so he could see mouse all open to him and read his book!!!

    Ya!

    Control.

    The feelings after that mouse felt were very submissive.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. Hi mouse,

      I was thinking that you shouldn't really share those stories that H may see, but I like the stories, so never mind.

      I am glad you figured out submission without punishment, and I appreciate the insight.

      Kitty

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  4. Kitty,

    My wife and I engage in spanking as foreplay. It is never for discipline. We resolve any of our issues with communication.

    Hug,
    joey
    PS I am joeyred51 on FL.

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    1. I like spanking for foreplay and for continued submissive feelings, but we don't really like discipline spankings either.

      Thanks for the FL handle... I am kittythesubmiss

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  5. We have 'punishment,' but... not for real. I just don't get up to things that need actual punishment, and I don't get turned on by being punished for raising my voice or something when I'm upset. But, I LIKE punishment, so it's not really punishment, is it? If I didn't want to be punished for unacceptable behavior, I wouldn't be.

    I like being spanked if I've been out of line. Not in the sense that I'll misbehave just for the sake of a punishment, because I get plenty of spankings otherwise, but I do like knowing if I happen to really do something unacceptable that I'll be held accountable for it.

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    1. I just made a fetlife account, but I'm not sure how much time I'll spend there. Name's Conina (huge logical leap, I know).

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    2. Hi Conina,

      I think it is good to be held accountable, but I find that people are doing that in different ways than spanking, so that is interesting to me.

      Your answer begs the question - how can you be held accountable if you like punishment?

      I am always asking you questions.

      Kitty

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    3. I knew I wasn't explaining it right. I like knowing that he's paying attention, right? So even though I enjoy the physical discipline - yes, even when it hurts - and I would more than likely get the same treatment if I hadn't done anything, it's just good to know he's paying attention.

      The words he says are different. It's been a long time since I've needed such a thing, and I don't know that we'll ever do a "punishment" again, but when we did, it was really the lecture, the knowing I'd let him down part, that was really being held accountable. The actions were the same, but the words were different. Less heat, more disappointment.

      I hope that makes more sense.

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    4. That makes sense. The lecture is an interesting part of all this. I have never really contemplated it, and I haven't had one - but I can understand how it would make you feel worse.

      Hmmm, do words hurt more than spankings. Or do they both hurt?

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  6. I'm trying to figure this thing out too. Still not sure if I actually like the spanking thing or not when it's actually happening. But I'm including it in my fantasies, so it seems to work for me at least a little.

    As for punishment, I don't ever do anything worthy of actual punishments, so it would have to be for things he makes up as needing a punishment so to have reason to spank me.

    I was just thinking I might actually prefer if he just does it because he likes to rule over me, make me submit to a little pain, and mark up my ass. The first time he spanked me there was a big bruise, so it's very easy to mark up.

    With Master I'm exploring these things for the first time, and I get the impression he's done very little of this stuff before me, so we're learning as we go what works for each of us and us together.

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    1. I like the spanking. Reasons are an interesting thing - once we settled on Tuesday as the reason things went a lot better for us - no confusion. Although sometimes, I wonder what the point is. So maybe there is a reason to have reasons.

      Hmmm... I sense a post in that.

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  7. Spankings... Why?

    A special reason?
    Not in the moment itself
    then it is there, just because
    there is a longing, even an urge
    in wanting to feel the moment

    In general?
    Femme Fessee is, in all the things she is, also a masochist, and likes it to be filled in with spanking/caning/other implements.
    Already before we met I knew from myself that I have a sadistic part, but it was always on the background. Only past my forties I've learnt to accept it and the last years I can admit that I like it, enjoy it and feel it as a gift.

    So in our relationship there is this sharing of spanking together. Never in a real punishment, never in discipline, but because it is a part of us. Ok, sometimes we let it appear as punishment, in a roleplay, sometimes just because, sometimes as whatever it is. As long as we can enjoy it... so long as it feels good.

    I even agree about the hormonal part, I know/feel/see that when there is no spanking for a longer time, I feel that Femme is losing some of her rest/peacefulness. So, also in that it is good... (To be honest? If we don't have sex/make love for a longer time, then we both are much more edgie ;-))

    Hope this is what you ment.

    Regards, Monsieur Fessee

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    1. Spanking and sex. Some people call it a reset - I think spanking is a reset and sex is a reboot. Not all the time, but if you have been a long time without, both become needs.

      Yes, I think this is what I meant. :)

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  8. Honestly, Master was brought up that a man is supposed to NEVER (under any circumstance) strike a woman. That being said we have worked past a LOT of that since we have been together. In the beginning if I made any noise that sounded like I was in pain, He would stop immediately and regret it for days. We have worked through this and He is now a lot more comfortable with spanking me and taking a crop to my bottom. He now finds it a huge turn on. ^.^

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    1. Good for him! Hopefully all these guys were.

      That is why there is such trouble for me separating from real life submission and sexual submission - spankings and sex, I think we get there a lot easier than spankings for other reasons. Which is why punishment had a very short life in this house.

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Hey! We are all here just trying to figure stuff out, one step at a time. Please feel free to step into the conversation!