Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Scheduling TTWD

I ventured a suggestion to H... "Maybe instead of trying to "fix" the contract, we should talk about why it disappeared last time and how we can avoid that happening?"

As succinct as ever, H replied immediately.  Scheduling.

I knew what he meant.  It is hard to schedule TTWD.  I didn't believe it was possible, but as our kiddo ages, it is even harder.  He is awake later, he is more aware of what is going on in the house and you know, the kiddo is not actually the real issue.

The issue is the rhythm of our household.  We are busy people and we have energy at different times and that works well in keeping the house humming, but it does not work well in coming together to play and just be.

But we are not the only people facing these sort of scheduling issues and there are people who are making it work!

So again, I had a question, "Why don't we focus on making it the priority."  (I thought these were outstanding questions by the way.)

H said, It's okay that we can't do it sometimes.  The trick is to know how to start back up again.  And then he said, Sometimes it would be nice to just go to bed without having to think about what we are supposed to do and just cuddle.

I hear what H is saying there, but I disagree.  I don't think it is okay that we can't do it sometimes.  I think that the alternate to not doing it sometimes is that we are in a D/s relationship.  And in a submissive relationship, there may be times that he says, tonight (or this week or while you are finishing that season of busyness or until further notice) we are just going to cuddle and be together and not actively do anything else.  Which would be the same as what happens in normal life cycles, but instead of it just happening and leaving us to wonder what the hell happened, he might acknowledge the cycle and instead take control of it.  And then he could say when that time was over.

Why does that answer seem almost too easy?!?!

Oh yeah, it assumes that I will stop stressing about getting some submission if I am merely instructed to stop stressing because it isn't happening right now.  Come to think of it, I don't think we have tried that exact approach before, so maybe it could work.

UPDATE:  I wrote this yesterday and scheduled it for tomorrow and in the middle H further insisted, It's the same thing over and over.  When I hold your breast, sometimes I just want to hold your breast.  And you always think it means sex.  I laughed and said, "Read tomorrow's blog.  We aren't as far apart as you think we are."  Do you think it's possible that H doesn't know he gets to tell me that he is just going to hold my breast and there will be no sex?  (And if he adds the words, you wanton slut, all the better. Ha.)  He does get to tell me.  The thing is - it is easier if he tells me.  I don't keep quiet and wait to see what he is or isn't going to do very well.  Just an observation on who I am.

As to who he is, I know he doesn't like to tell me, so perhaps he could start with telling and slowly wean me off needing to hear it.  Maybe provide a little training on how I could better serve him.  (I feel like that sounds saucy or smart alecky, but it is truly meant sincerely.)

On another note - yes, I sometimes schedule blogs.  I usually have a burst of things to say and I found that putting up a bunch of them in a 24 hour period doesn't really do me or a subject any justice.  Because I read my blog when it is up.  I (and H) are the main audience here.  And I want an idea to sit on its own for a while.  In this case, it was a good thing I did it that way, because well, it turned out I had more to add. <3

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Sexual Trophy AND OR Submissive Wife

I was reading over at lil's the other day and she said something that has totally stuck with me:

to function at my best as his slave, I do need some reinforcement from him; however, regardless of my level of functioning, I am his property and always will be

I love how she phrased that.  "to function at my best."  Something that we may not realize is a direct correlation to the state of our relationship.  And like lil, I totally need reinforcement.  And H doesn't naturally share.  He tends to share when he is asked direct questions.  This is tricky for me, because I would like him to direct me and he will if I ask, but I don't really want to ask, and well, you know... I think this is a common tale.

Anyway, even though I promised myself that I would not needle H right now, I keep asking him little questions.  Questions like, "Is it better for me to hang back and see what you want to do right now, or should I just start living the contract again?"

And it was that question that informed me that H was looking at the contract.  He is making changes to it, but he is not necessarily ready to let me know what they are.  So the answer is to hang back.

I'm hanging back.  For now.

I haven't even looked at the whole contract in a while.  I did click on the version I put back up on line the other day and a phrase caught my eye...  Slave agrees that she is now the sexual trophy of her Master...

Sexual trophy.

Wow - I like that phrase.  I want to be that phrase.  I hope that phrase (and all that goes with it) is not getting cut from the contract.

But submissive wife... I like that phrase too.  I also want to be that phrase.  And they aren't exactly the same thing.

In my mind, the continuum of a power exchange agreement goes from Christian Domestic Discipline all the way over to hard core BDSM scene play.  Theoretically, sex isn't really the point at either end of the spectrum.  But sex is the point of some of the spectrum.  Or the result.  Or something.  It is definitely something.

Submission does not equal sex.  And sex does not equal submission.  Hence, sexual trophy does not equal submissive wife.

But I want to be both.

And here's why:  H doesn't want me to be weak.  He likes a spunky woman.  The whole point of the submission (as I understand it) is that I am strong in the rest of the world, because no one else can tell me what to do.  Only H has that permission.  And he tends to tell me things that make me ever stronger.

And when I feel sexually powerful, I am more likely to act powerful elsewhere.  AKA sexual trophy.

And when I fell like I am successful in my submission, then I am more likely to act powerful elsewhere.  AKA submissive wife.

It feels like a power exchange bi-polar situation.

But maybe it's not.  I don't know.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Your Fantasies are Different

I blogged again for the first time in a while.  And even though I hadn't necessarily planned it, I found myself talking about why I HAD to come back.  I came back because this whole thing changes you.  And no matter what we do or don't do, I really can't leave it all behind.  I said:

Even when life gets in the way and health issues arise and surgery happens and so many other things are going on, it never. leaves you.  All the time, your fantasies are different.  Your thoughts of fucking are different.  Your relationship is different.

After writing that, I did what I always do after a hiatus.  I poked around my own page.  I cleaned up a few things.  I noted that so many links no longer work that I could never correct them all and I read a lot of my old posts.

Some of them scared me - as I was reminded of the parts that didn't go exactly how I/we wanted.  Some of them made me smile.  And some of them made me shake my head.  Specifically this one:

Fantasy - The Girls

This is not a bad post.  It is about how I fantasized about women.  I really did.  Actually, I primarily fantasized about women.  All the time.  And in the reality of now, I still think my next major relationship (if there is to be another one for me) will be with a woman.  But, truth be told, my fantasies are no longer about women.  As I said above, once you have gone TTWD, well - your fantasies are different.

Fantasies are healthy.  They can help you while away the hours when you are on your own.  They can help you achieve orgasm.  They can help you help your partner make love to you.  But most importantly, the current fantasy you have in your head can help to educate you on your next steps.

Almost everyone realizes that not all fantasies should become reality.  The idea of sucking another man's cock is a huge turn on for me (assuming that H is making me do it and that I am both blindfolded and blissfully unaware of whose cock it is), but the reality of that situation is perhaps not something I am quite ready to really experience.  Or will ever be ready to experience.  It doesn't mean I can't fantasize about it.  It just means that, for now, it's best if it remains a fantasy.  And H knows that, which is one of the many reasons I trust him.

However, my current fantasy is not around sex at all.  It is around submission.  It is about feeling the hand of someone else in my life.  About knowing that I am doing something for no other reason than I said I would do whatever I was asked to do.  This is huge.  It means I am trying on a different role than where I was a while ago.  In fact, towards the end of the last cycle of submission, there was a post I recently rediscovered and it gave me a bit of pause.

Me! Me! Me!

The title alone should tip you off that we had gotten a bit off track.  I know from blogland that there is a definite cycle to this power exchange world - a titillating start, an uncertain middle and then what?  Either a flaming end, a settled forever or a quietly tucked away thing we once did?  In our case, it was the latter.

Both H and I value our primary relationship above all else, and when TTWD got off track, we let it go in favor of us.  But perhaps we did not realize what really is us.  And we merely settled for an easier, more conventional scenario.  I don't know. 

I also don't know if we can overcome our expectation gap as we ponder yet another go at it.

But I can say this - now when I fantasize, it is not a woman's soft scent or her feminine body that I see... it is a hard cock that I want.  Not just any cock.  H's perfect member.  You know, when I was single, I would go far out of my way to avoid ever having to suck on one.  And now?  I can actually come from giving a blow job.  No additional stimulation required.  That is just amazing.  And wonderful.  And because of those things we did.  So, even without an apparent Master's hand, it is clear.  My everything is different.  Whether we do anything or not.

UPDATE:  And then I went and read this.  Which is really what I meant to say.