On to Something...

When I ended my last post, I was telling you about this comment from H:

How are you ever going to be submissive if you can't follow the rules???
(His voice was amused exasperation.)

I had actually been thinking about this.  And I don't have the answers, but I do have some thoughts:

1 - We did this much better when we had a signed contract in place.
2 - My thoughts constantly turn into words that stop activities.  (If you know what I mean.)
3 - I am deeply conflicted about submission and selling out women.  (So deeply that I don't even talk about it much.  Mostly because I am afraid to come down on either side openly and, it feels to me, finally.)
4 - I drastically miss being submissive at times.
5 - I fear committing to it fully.

Bottom line - conflict; angst; champion worrying.

If you have been around for any amount of time, you are probably aware that I tend to overthink things.  (<-- Understatement of the year.)

But I believe that all problems have solutions and I think I may be on to one here.  A while ago, I had asked H if we could go back to having a signed contract.  I know that it doesn't work for everyone, and many feel they don't need it, but it seems that I do.  Apparently, I need some sort of an authoritarian manifest in place to do what I want.

We had tentatively agreed to that.  But then, I took it one step further.  I took a page from some of the O/p relationships and I asked H to draw up the contract, but please, don't tell me what it says.

I am serious.

I want to be in a contract, but I don't want to have to weigh and consider the rules one at a time.  I don't want to think, "Oh, I should be doing this now."

In the past, it is those thoughts that have let me talk H into changing and/or deleting rules.  It is those thoughts that made me grouchy about the whole thing.  Something I wanted just as much as anyone.

How does one do that?  Follow a contract without knowing the terms?  Well, I think that is an interesting challenge.  H has the contract as a blueprint for how he plans to dominate me.  And I agree to let him do it.

But how will you sign it?  He asked me.

"Just give me an executive summary on the top and I'll sign."  (He laughed.)

Really, this is not all that different than what people ask of their HOH's - make a plan and execute it, so I don't have to.  I want you to think about what is coming next.

I think it is already a method that we are comfortable with, as I can visualize a couple of examples.

First - the other night H was somewhat commanding when he came and asked me to join him in the other room to look at something.  The commanding part was when he said, And after that, you will go to bed.  I was obviously exhausted and not getting there on my own.

I decided to do what he said.  He was (sadly) shocked when he found me in bed a while later.

"You told me to,"  I reasonably explained.  He shook his head.

The second example - H has made it clear that he likes when I lay next to him about 12 or 18 inches down his body.  So my head is near his upper abdomen rather than his shoulder.  He didn't order me, he just mentioned it.  Now, I am more comfortable and sleep better there.

See - he could have been instituting rules without me knowing.  I don't think he was, but I do think that I was making an effort to listen to him and honor his requests.  Even more importantly, there was no angst on the way to doing what he wanted.  And I get to feel a bit of the service submissive in me that has been so elusive at times.

I am still choosing to submit.  But there is no discussion or timeline or information I have that can lead to conflicting thoughts in Kitty's head.  Yes, I am asking to become less informed in this relationship.

Really, I think I am on to something here.

A BIG Welcome to Micinos H

A new commenter appeared on my blog in April - Micinos H.  I didn't know who it was and in fact, didn't even respond to that first comment at the time - it had come in quite a while after the post had gone up and good intentions aside, I don't always get back to old posts and new comments.

A few weeks later, H was clearly sick of me not noticing him.  I did something really great for you, but you haven't figured it out yet!

I am sorry to have to admit that my first thought went to our summer vacation budget and if it had been blown by something "great".  But he was quick to assure me, No, I did not spend money on this.  You'll find it.

Well, that night, it dawned on me - Micinos H, who left another comment that day, was MY H.  Micino = Kitty in Italian.

I know we are a strange couple to outsiders in terms of how we communicate.  Several times over the years, people have thought that since they told H something, that I knew it too.  And vice versa.  But it doesn't work like that with us.  Confidences with friends are kept.  We are our own people, with our own conversations.

It is the same in blog land - He has ALWAYS read every post on this blog, but I don't often hear that he has seen it and I rarely get direct feedback.  Apparently, H thought it was time for that to change.  Or maybe he was just sick of me asking if he had read my blog.  "No, Honey, the fact that it is one of your home tabs does not assure me that you have seen it."  So, he made a profile and started commenting.

I wanted to take a moment and welcome him - I really appreciate his comments and knowing that he has read my words.  I also want to note that he is here as a commenter just like everyone else - he is not telling me what to write or adding to what I wrote.  He is just participating.

In fact, the other day, he said - I saw the post.  The one about periods.  I have nothing to comment on that.  LOL.

Anyway, if that situation changes, I will be sure to note it in a post, as I am always glad to know when a blog is maintained by one, both or some other combination.

Funny aside - I said something about another blog I had read, and I said, "You follow her.  Did you see that post?"

How do you know who I follow?

"I clicked on your profile."  (My voice clearly implied the Duh.)

New rule.  You don't get to click on my profile.

"Honey.  It's the Internet.  You can't stop me from clicking on profiles."

How are you ever going to be submissive if you can't follow the rules???
(His voice was amused exasperation.)

Well, it turns out that I have an answer for that... but that is another post.

Follow Friday 05-10-13

Someone hit my page this week with the search term "submissive limerick".  Now, I did write one once for a CWS challenge, and it just tickled me that someone was searching it.  I decided to do the same and found that our fellow blogger Jake had also written one before I was around to see it.  It was quite lovely.  (I should probably note that when I searched the term personal ads for submissives in the town of Limerick also came up, so perhaps the search had nothing to do with the poem.  Either way, it was a great search term.)

limerick

ancilla_ksst has put out a very interesting post.  I am not sure that it is all exactly right, because neat definitions don't seem to really work out exactly how we would like in this world, but it is definitely food for thought.

Bottom/Sub/Slave

Oh my, we might as well have one extremely hot story.  The hot part being a twist on the sensory deprivation.  Thank you, Anastassia.

An After Work Treat

And finally, this just gave me a big old smile.  Thanks to sofia at Loving Submission.

How Many Ways?

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!